Scapegoat : The Final Draft

And im done. Phew. And heres the final draft of Scapegoat. As usual comments and money or any other kind of material gifts are welcome. By the way, Disclaimer : No offence meant to anybody. At all. Except for maybe Conservatives. Fuck you.
And now, back to the story.
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Scapegoat

So there was a goat. Pretty funny isn’t it your average goat. You know, the baaing, the horns, the shaggy coat, the tendency to eat anything that’s greens and doesn’t move and then the tendency to shit as they move, so all in all, it is a pretty absurd thing. So yeah, back to the point. Rather, back to the goat.

So this goat, he wasn’t just any goat. He was the Scapegoat. Well that’s the last official title he held. In an earlier time he was called Tannnypa, or Toothnipper. He was the kid of Toothgnasher and Toothgrinder, Thor’s chariot goats. You must be wondering why I say was. Well that’s because he was disowned, by his parents and the Aesir, the old Norse gods. Don’t ask why, oh, well I’ll give you a brief anyway. It involved a lot of mead, a couple of wood nymphs and the birth of a new and irritating race called Fauns.

Disowned by the Norse, he was picked up by the Jews. Strange isn’t it. Well, so here is old Tannypa, in the hands of the Yehudis. Not being the type for long toungue twisting names, they just called him Ychnip, pronounced Yecchhnip. For convenience’s sake lets just call him Nip.

Nip was owned by the Levite Jews. They were the ones in charge of the temples and scriptures and all things holy. Nip was their special sacrificial goat. He was the one they would sacrifice when the bigwigs like David and family came around. Now you must be wondering how that works? Well Nip isn’t your regular goat is he? Nip comes from a family of goats who trace their lineage back to The Goat, the first one, from when the earth was created and blah blah blah. And he did get some employee benefits from the Aesir didn’t he. So of course he was immortal. And pretty striking too look at. He had the whole package, gigantic curly horns, long silky white fur and um the package to go with the package, if you know what I mean. If you don’t, then read up on your euphemisms.

So every once in a while the Levite priests brought out Nip, to be slaughtered in the honor of whichever big mother thought it was time to wash away a few sins. It was a pretty good deal actually. The priests got their dough, enough to last a long time. And Nip was well fed for a couple of days, and then all he had to do was a little painful regeneration. Not much for the royal treatment he was subjected to. Oh and the gentry did pay to see a magnificent capryd get its head chopped off in their honor.

Nip did eventually get tired of the whole decapitation routine, so he left the Levites, but not after poking the grand Priests grander derriere, breaking half the urns and pissing all over the Ark of the Covenant. Oh and the Covenant sure was pissed. Fleeing the scene of crime and sacrilege he swam to ancient Greece.

There he had a few dalliances here and there. He got the famed Amalthea knocked up. You know, Zeus’s foster mother. So you can imagine after Nip’s Norse-Jewish hybrid Billy the Kidd, that thunder god was a piece of baklava. The greek pantheon got so sick of him they offered him a constellation if he would get out of Greece. Hence Capricorn.

Nip was bored. He went back to Judea, just to see if things were a little different. Turns out it was the time of the Messiah. Curious to see who this long haired git was, he went down to Bethlehem. Turns out this Messiah guy was just entering the world. Nip, being the feisty bugger he was, instead of blessing him like all the other animals, he give him a whiff of L’essence de goat. Lil’ Messiah man, not all that well endowed at that age, was mighty jealous. He made up his mind to take revenge. And to this day his followers say that Lucifer is part goat. Part, not even whole goat. So there.

Nip, mighty tired of the whole civilization and organized religion scene, thought its about time to just explore the world, and also the various avenues of gainful procreation.
He went to Gaul, Alba and Abootland. For those not in the know that’s France, Scotland and Canada. Oh and he did leave behind his legacy, the French Dahu, Wild Haggis on Scotland and Wampahoofus in Vermont. Strangely, all these have been reported as goat like creatures but with one pair of legs shorter than the other.

He forgot one vital detail though, the Jews. They weren’t going to let him go scot free. The Levites did catch up with him just as he had reached India, where he was planning to meet a distant cousin, Kali’s goat. Well the Jews did have a right to him as his last mythical employers. To pay for the havoc he had wreaked in their temple, he was made an offering to Azazel and sent out into the desert, burdened with sins of mankind. He was the scapegoat for all mankind. Literally.

Nip, not one to sit down and cry about it, did eventually find his way out of this quandary. He did meet Azazel, the devil, and sold him the idea of a Hell. And that’s where they put all the sins too. The Unrepented Sins of Azazel they decided to call it. In exchange for this, Nip got his slate cleaned by all major pantheons and religious authorities, because if you look at it, he did do them a big favor. Now free of guilt and any criminal record, Nip is freelance marketing consultant and connoisseur of wine, women and all things exotic. He has houses all over the world but prefers to live in a chateau near lake Lucerne.
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I would like to thank all the worlds major religions for giving me something not to believe in. And all of the worlds history and mythology, for giving me something to read and write about. And goats.


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Now playing: Janis Joplin - Piece Of My Heart

Now Feeling : Tired, relieved and bit fucked up after tiff with folks over getting home late and partaking in scented smoke related activities.

Now Reading : Nothing. And im glad. Stories are a headache. But i still love em.

Now watching : Chris Crocker. Its pathetic.